#How to make vegan mac and cheese

[northbirdblog]

Vegan Mac and Cheese

Another easy Vegan meal from the Northbird kitchen!

[pansyfemme]

my vegan food take is that I will always prefer to learn about/try/make an existing plant based meal from a culture i’m unfamilar with than look at the worlds 30 millionth vegan mac and cheese recipe.. I love seitan fried chicken as much as everyone else but in terms of vegan recipes sometimes I would like to just learn how to make my vegetables taste better rather than attempt fake meat again

[pseudophan]

PHANNIE COOKBOOK SIGN-UPS!!

Do you have a really good recipe you think Dan and Phil would enjoy? Consider submitting it to this collaborative phannie cookbook that will be given to DnP at a meet & greet! It will also be available to everyone to download as a PDF.

Family recipes or your favourite dish from your country/culture is a bonus, but it doesn’t have to be that personal. All I ask is that you don’t go rip something random off the Internet right now just to be in the book, I want food you genuinely enjoy!

I’ve decided the most efficient way of doing this is to let you submit up to 3 different options, that way if there are any repeats (and I’m certain there will be) I won’t have to message everyone it concerns to ask if you have any alternatives. Besides, that way I can choose which version gets in based on your other options rather than which one “sounds better” to me, cause I think that would be a little unfair. I also have no idea how many people will actually participate in this yet, which is currently the biggest hurdle in terms of planning. If only a few sign up there is a chance we’ll end up using multiple recipes by some, and if somehow we get too many I’ll have to pick and choose. I do really want to include as many people as possible, but until I actually see the recipes it’s hard to tell what will end up happening.

The main focus of this will be actual food, but we obviously need to include a few desserts, so feel free to submit those as well just be aware the chances of those getting picked might be lower. The same goes for soups, I assume a lot of people have soup recipes and we might include a couple, but for obvious reasons it's a low priority.

Some key things to keep in mind:

Phil is a bit picky and has some dietary restrictions! He shouldn’t have dairy or chocolate and he doesn’t like cheese or mushrooms, among other things. That doesn’t mean you have to avoid these things entirely, but maybe your grandma’s mac and cheese recipe isn’t the best choice

While neither of them is vegan they do eat a lot of vegan food, so we definitely need some vegan dishes. I also think it would be really great if you suggested vegetarian and/or vegan substitutions you know work well with your recipe! That isn’t a must for every dish, but it’s a nice addition where possible

Tragically, Dan and Phil are British, meaning they won’t necessarily have access to all the same ingredients as you. Luckily they are also rich and live in a major city with a lot of options so they aren’t limited to what they can find at their local Tesco, but since the aim of this book is to encourage them to cook we probably shouldn’t be sending them on a scavenger hunt either. I don’t think this will be a huge issue, but if your recipe calls for something you think might be very niche or local to you it might be worth googling it or asking around

The final book will be using UK measurements, but if your recipe doesn’t then don’t even worry about it for now. We’ll get to that later. You also don’t have to worry about typing out the whole step-by-step in detail in the sign-up form, I just need a list of the ingredients and roughly how to prepare it to gauge whether it’s a good fit.

I promise I’m almost done yapping but lastly, about some of the questions on the form - you don’t need to know exactly how long the dish takes to prepare, that will depend on the person or people making it anyway, but we do need a rough estimate. The difficulty level is obviously quite subjective, but I just want to hear how you personally would rank it, and if there is a specific part of the process you think someone who doesn’t cook a lot might struggle with. As for the last question about photos, I’m asking both if you have the time and opportunity to make the food and if you are able to take a good photo of it. Obviously it doesn’t have to be anything professional, a phone camera is fine, it just needs to be well lit and decent quality.

Okay, I think that’s everything-

Here's the sign-up form

The deadline is in a week, at midnight Thursday to Friday CET :)

(I also made a blog for this @phookbook for information and updates! A lot of it will probably still be on this blog, but I'll try to post/reblog the most important things on there for those who want to keep up with everything but who may not want to deal with all the chaos of pseudophan)

[leth-writes]

bait

SUMMARY: Damian would like to welcome you to the family.

WARNINGS: 18+ as always on my blog, though the work is safe for work. Typical yandere shenanigans.

MASTERLIST: https://www.tumblr.com/leth-writes/757800060720496640/requests-open?source=share 

Requests are open!

Normally, Damian would hate being babied. He was a trained assassin, the blood of Ra’as Al Ghoul ran through his veins, he was the son of the feared Bat! And yet, here he was, sitting in your kitchen, watching you make him some (vegan) mac n’ cheese. 

Originally, Damian did not understand the obsession his family seemed to have with you. He spent days complaining, stomping around the manor, irritated that his family was wasting time with some… weakling. It seemed that every time he walked into a room, the only topic of discussion was you.

As one of the newer additions to the family, and a biological one at that, it seemed he had missed out on something vital to his family. So, he decided to just… ask, as his father would advise,  just why they were wasting time on someone who wouldn’t ever be able to adhere to the illustrious standards his family had set. 

The person he decided on was Grayson, someone he normally looked up to.

He sat across from his older brother, who was preoccupied with that insipid app that Drake had designed, keeping track of your vitals and ensuring your safety. Finally, fed up with being ignored, Damian cleared his throat to alert his brother of his presence.

Grayson looked up and beamed, bouncing up to flop down next to Damian. 

“What’s up, lil’ D?” Grayson asked, voice jovial even as he spared a glance at his screen.

“Tt. Grayson, I must… request your assistance.”

“Anything for you, lil’ D!” Grayson leaned over and rustled Damian’s hair. Damian, annoyed, fixed his hair and leaned away.

“I do not… I do not understand your recent… Preoccupation. It seems the family has decided, rather unanimously, that we will be gaining a new member. I do not understand why we must lower our standards!” He huffed, crossing his arms.

Grayson’s eyes softened. “Oh, lil’ D. It’s alright, you’re new, we should’ve known this would be confusing…” He looked away, staring out the window for a second, letting out a little sigh. 

“I’m not really sure how to explain it, but sometimes, sometimes people, especially people like us, get… passionate. Dinah likes to explain it away as the way we… deal with the constant loss, the uncertainty. Vigilantes don’t ever do anything in halves, afterall.”

“But why, but why them? They have nothing to add to our family, Grayson! They cannot fight, they are not trained, they have no extraordinary skills!” Damian huffed.

“Well, it doesn’t always make sense, Damian, and it doesn’t need to. Sometimes, sometimes people just… click, it doesn’t always have to make logical sense. I think if you got to know them, maybe you’d understand it a bit better.”

Grayson smiled, looking back at Damian. Damian looked away, blushing. He didn’t like not getting something; it made him feel vulnerable, weak, like he was missing out on something everyone else just seemed to get.

“And this is, this is… typical, for vigilantes such as our family?” He asked, voice quiet with mortification. Grayson smiled softly.

“Of course, Lil’ D. There’s nothing wrong with being passionate, and there’s no way we’re gonna let someone else get hurt. I mean, just think about it; do you think they could defend themselves?” 

Damian shook his head.

“And there’s no way they’ll be able to defend themselves. As vigilantes, especially in Gotham, we see the truth, we see how nasty the world can truly be. Most civilians just don’t get it. So, I think we can be forgiven for being a little intense, right?” He laughed, elbowing Damian gently.

“I mean, just think about Jon getting hurt.” 

Damian scowled. “I would not allow it. It would never happen.” He said, certainty clear in his voice.

Grayson snorted. “I know, Lil’ D. I’m just using him as an example; now take those feelings, and imagine if Jon couldn’t defend himself. “

“I-I do not know what I would do.”

“And that’s okay, you’ll get it eventually, okay? It’s hard to come to terms with, at first.”

“I still do not understand why you have chosen such an unworthy target for your affections, but I will… try. To understand.” Damian looked down, face tinged slightly red in embarrassment. 

Grayson ruffled his hair again, and peeked at his screen. “Maybe ask Cass to take you, or Jason? I have a shift in a little while. I’m sure they’d be willing to help you, Damian. It’s okay to have questions, to not get it. It’ll click eventually.”

So, Damian did.

While embarrassing, the idea of not getting something that was clearly of high importance to his family rankled in his chest. So, he approached Cain and asked for her help.

She was in her studio, as she normally was at noon on the weekends, working on a new routine. Damian paused in the door, waiting for her to finish up. No matter how many times he saw her, especially during her performances, he was always surprised by just how graceful the young woman managed to be.

It was normal for his family to move with a lithe grace, especially Grayson, who seemed to move so fluidly he lacked a skeletal structure, couldn’t compete with the natural poise Cain held herself with.

She finished up her routine with a flourish, then rose to her feet with a sigh. She floated over to her water bottle and took a sip, before turning around to face Damian. She smiled gently, eyes crinkling at the corners, her slightly damp choppy black hair framing her face perfectly.

“Little brother,” she said, delight clear in her voice. 

“Cain,” Damian greeted, nodding his head and moving into the room.

Cain sank to the floor, back against the mirrored wall, and patted the wooden floor next to her. 

“Sit,” she said.

He did. There was no refusing Cain, after all.

“You seem… confused.” She glanced over at him, taking another small sip.

“Yes. I do not… Understand the new obsession you have all taken with that Civilian.”

Cain nodded. “Yes.”

“Grayson explained the general feelings of protectiveness, but was unable to elaborate; why them?” Damian crinkled his face, nose scrunching.

Cain laughed. “Stubborn, not seeing.” She poked his forehead, startling him. He scowled further, rubbing the spot. It didn’t really hurt, but he was not about to let her get away with poking him like a child!

She snickered at his bewildered expression. 

“It is hard to explain… Instinct.” She hummed, looking away in contemplation.

“Innocence. They do not know… the violence, the heartache… they are kind.”

So it was about the contrast, Damian concluded. The difference between a trained vigilante and a weakling.

“They cannot… protect self. Need help. Like baby.” She continued, sighing and leaning a hand against her cheek, propped against her knees.

“Like… Like Titus, or Alfred the cat. Need looking after.”

Just like that, it clicked.

You were utterly defenseless. Completely alone, with no one to prevent you from being hurt, or worse, killed. You were like a young kitten, unable to open their eyes to see their savior, like the one Damian had fostered.

A warmth bloomed in his chest. You would be like the kitten, and he would protect your innocence, no matter the cost.

Cass smiled widely, scrunching her nose. 

Just like that, Damian was clamoring to get involved. He could not wait until you were home, and he would be able to ensure your safety, keeping you from losing that childlike innocence, that thin film over your eyes preventing you from seeing the true danger.

It was Drake who had the brilliant idea to place Damian in the field; Damian, for all of his sword-related faults, was still young, after all. Someone as naive as you would be sure to enjoy looking after such a cute child, not being able to see who was truly caring for who.

While both Grayson and Todd had failed to make your acquaintance, it seemed you were too aware of stranger danger to fully fall for the ruse, he knew Cain had made inroads as a member of your book club. Surely, having a young brother by her side would only make it easier to get closer to you.

And just like that, the trap was set, and Damian was ready to act.

The next week, your book club would be meeting to discuss the selected offerings. You had wisely offered up Pride and Prejudice. Damian could still hear the muffled curses Todd had let out; you had no clue the extent to which you had so thoroughly endeared yourself to him, just by picking an Austen novel. Damian could not help but be amused, Todd was easy to enthrall despite his tough exterior; it was almost comical. 

Cain had brought him with, dressed in clothes he was told were appropriate for his age (Grayson had laughed and forced him to stand for pictures. He would secure his revenge, and make sure to talk badly about him. He would be victorious in the so-called prank war, after all, and you would stand at his side, unscathed.).

You opened the door, smiling and bringing Cain in for a hug. Even from his position, he could see Cain melt into the hug, smiling and bringing an arm up to pat your back gently.

“Hello,” she sighed as you pulled back, looking her over.

“Oh, Hello!” you said, looking down at Damian. 

He sighed internally. It would take everything he had, but the thoughts of showing you Bat-Cow would get him through the evening. He smiled brightly, artificially pitching his voice up slightly.

“Hi!” He said, stepping forward and shaking your hand with vigor. “I’m Cass’s brother, Damian!”

“Oh, so you have a brother?” You said, smiling even brighter. It almost hurt Damian’s face in sympathy, how widely you were able to smile. Was it due to your innocence?

You ushered the two of them inside.

“Yes, Our father forgot Damian would be home tonight, and did not arrange for a babysitter.”

“Oh, that’s more than alright! Here, are you hungry, kiddo? I’ll make you something to snack on while the book club gets going! Cass, you can take a seat if you want.”

Damian watched as you puttered around the kitchen, enamored with the way you seemed completely oblivious to the danger present in your home. You were lucky he was there to protect you; what if Cass hadn’t been a kind person? You would’ve had no idea you were letting a threat into your house, and into your life! Luckily for you, Cass would never harm a hair on your head, let alone let you get hurt.

“Milk okay for the Mac n’ cheese, kiddo?” You asked, not bothering to turn around as you pulled down a box.

He informed you he was vegan.

You took it in stride, pulling out some soy milk. He was almost surprised you would have some, but your clear kindness would never allow you to potentially offend a guest. Damian could feel a bout of cuteness aggression overtaking him, and he clenched his fists hard enough to draw blood under the lip of the counter.

The rest of the night passed without incident, though you seemed particularly interested in Damian’s contributions to the conversation about Austen’s works. He could not help but be satisfied at the impression he had made; it was not his fault the majority of the people you surrounded with could not understand basic literary analysis, after all.

Every week for the next few months, Damian would tag along to book club; he eventually managed to become your favorite conversational partner, though Cain was a close second, as you slowly began to ignore the others in the club. It was better this way, after all; they could not protect you.

However, Damian soon became frustrated by the lack of progress. They were talking to you regularly, yes, but he wanted you safe at home! He could tell the others were building in frustration as well, and yet the consensus remained; they would need to take more time.

So, he approached Todd.

And Todd agreed.

The plan was set.

Damian waited breathlessly in the alley by your workplace. It would be easy, after all, to get you to follow him down into the dark.

The second he saw you, he took a few wide steps back, and began to scream.

“Help!” He shouted, crumpling to the floor. He let his voice take on a tinge of desperation, pitching slightly higher to exaggerate his innocence and hopefully trigger your panic so you would approach without a second thought.

It worked, and your pounding footsteps soon approached.

“Hello?!” You called, frantically dropping to your knees in front of his crumpled form.

“D-Damian?” You cried, searching desperately for the injury.

Behind you, he could see Todd approach, syringe in hand. 

He let out a groan and rolled over, head in your lap. As you ran your hands over his back, looking for something, he surreptitiously grabbed your waist, hoping to prevent you from running, just in case.

Finally, Todd was in range. He stuck the syringe into your neck without a second thought, and you were out like a light.

Damian was just glad your hand had landed in his hair.

[stardropsaloongossiptrain]

Bachelor/ettes and Cooking

Gonna rank how I think the marriage candidates would do in the kitchen

----

Bachelors:

Elliott -- it takes a while, but once the man has a real kitchen at his disposal and some encouragement to try, I think he would really enjoy cooking and could be very good at it! I HC him as growing up in a wealthy home where he probably wasn't allowed to cook for himself, and then the cabin has nothing... but he remembers dishes he really enjoyed. I like to think he starts cooking just trying to help out once he moves to the farm, and there is DEF a learning curve... but there's a master chef hiding in there. I can feel it.

Alex -- you do not grow up with Grannie Evelyn and not learn how to cook. Impossible. Now, he's not a fancy chef by any means, but he can make a meal without issue. If you get this man a grill, he will 1000% become Grill Master, Kiss the Cook apron wearing Grill Dad. Also, though he rarely does it, he can bake up a storm. Generally only bakes for birthdays.

Harvey -- He can cook, but only cooks healthy meals. He will need to be taught that it's okay to season your food. Brown rice, steamed veggies, and plain tofu/ chicken breasts type guy. Otherwise, it's pre-packaged frozen food. Maybe he can get better w/ encouragement but he's always going to be checking portions and making sure you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables and watch your sodium intake. The most likely bachelor to be vegetarian/ be willing to go vegetarian. Gets nauseated if he's preparing meat.

Shane -- Mid-tier like Harvey, but even though he's had kitchen access he rarely feels like cooking. He knows what seasoning is-- his usual cooking style is the exact opposite of Harvey, mostly family recipes. All flavor, calorie count who?? Loves making food covered in cheese, sauce, or gravy. His chili would win awards, but he only makes it once a year.

Sam -- He could keep himself alive if the box has directions. Anything more complicated than boxed mac and cheese, though, and he gets a little lost. Can help YOU in the kitchen very well, but to be honest he would rather be doing something more exciting.

Sebastian -- The only one who is a worse cook than him is Abigail. He is NOT allowed in the kitchen even to watch. Could burn iced tea.

---

Bachelorettes

Emily -- Oldest sister + working at the Saloon added together means she's definitely going to be a decent cook, but she genuinely enjoys cooking. She loves to experiment with different cultural dishes. She only cooks vegetarian or vegan dishes.

Penny -- She's pretty self sufficient. I don't think she knows too many recipes, but she enjoys experimenting if she moves to the farmhouse. She's very adapt at stretching a budget, and I think she would enjoy making jams/ pickles. Not the big amount the farmer does, but small batches in special flavors.

Leah -- She's a simple cook. She prefers raw dishes, or things like buddha bowls. A lot of texture and flavor. Loves using herbs and edibles from foraging locally. Leans vegetarian but doesn't mind fish from time to time.

Maru -- Maru is proficient at cooking, but I think takes after her dad too much and is very nutrient focused vs what actually makes a good meal. Occasionally makes questionable decisions in the name of efficiency. Could go from making some sort of casserole if busy w/ a project to Extremely Experimental if she has the time. No in between.

Haley -- I considered putting her higher but no. She has rarely if ever had to cook for herself before, so if she's at the farmhouse she will be surprised if you expect her to do anything in the kitchen. Eventually I think she could be fine. It's not hard. She just hates doing dishes. Enjoys baking somewhat, especially w/ Alex.

Abigail -- She eats rocks as a snack and thinks if you just crank the oven to 600 for fifteen minutes it's better than 350 for an hour. Her stomach is alien to this world. Can and will eat anything without issue.

[sinfulpanda16]

MHA Boys x vegetarian/vegan reader

Reader x Bakugou, Midoriya, Kirishima, Kaminari and Todoroki

How they would react to you being vegan or vegetarian

Deku

~ Super supportive

~ Has no problem giving you his fries when there's no vegan options

~ He thought it was cute when you told him he looks like the broccoli you eat 🥦

You and Midoriya walk into the small convenience store, you already having the vegan chips you want in mind. Midoriya finds the bag of chips he wants but you... they're nowhere in sight.

"Hey is everything alright?" Midoriya asks when he sees you distressed.

"I can't find the Takis. Did they seriously run out of them?" you ask all pouty. This sucks, that was the thing you were really looking forward too all day. Being vegan meant not eating just about all the chips there are.

The only vegan ones there were was Lay's but you're not in the mood for that. Midoriya smiles at you "Aww love its ok. We can look somewhere else for them and if we still can't find them than I won't eat chips today either."

The idea of your boyfriend willing to give up his snack for you makes you feel some type of way. Who does that? Your supportive boyfriend that's who. You tell him he doesn't have to do all that but he insists that its ok.

You smile "Thanks Izuku". He puts his bag of chips back in their place and grabs your hand to exit the convenience store.

You did find Takis at another store so both of snacked away when you both got home.

Bakugou

~Lowkey bullies you for it. But in a loving way.

~ Acts bothered every time you reject some of his food cuz it has dairy products but in his head he's like "Fuck I forgot!"

~ He was like "Tch pathetic" when you told him but when he sees how important being vegan is for you, he tries learning how to cook vegan recipes.

Your tummy growls you haven't eaten since breakfast. You have no idea what to cook though, last time you checked there was no vegan ingredients for you to cook something.

Your tummy growls again so you get up and get dressed to head out to buy some oat milk and a box of Life cereal. Its not much but at least you'll eat something.

You head to front door but then you hear someone scream "OI! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU GOING?!" you turn around scared shitless and see Bakugou in the kitchen holding two plates of food.

What the- is that the smell of Mac and Cheese? Is that the vegan cheese you buy for yourself!? You gasp "Katsuki! Did you made vegan Mac and Cheese?!" you ask excitedly. Truth is Bakugou has been practicing making vegan Mac and Cheese, but he wanted to make sure it was perfect for you.

He clicks his tongue "Tch yes you idiot. Now come over here and eat it fore I make you eat it!" you happily oblige. This meant more than he could ever know.

You two sit down and eat. He did a good job, it was really good.

"Mmm. Katsuki you should be vegan too."

"Hell no!"

Todoroki

~Yes this man respects you and everything you do

~ You're probably the first vegetarian he's ever met

~ When you told him he was taken aback a bit but immediately showed his support

You remember your first date with him. It was a surprise dinner at his place. You hadn't told him you were vegetarian cuz it just never came up. So when he set that stake he put hard work into in front of you, you were nervous to tell him.

He didn't notice anything. He takes some of his own stake and says "Here love." wanting to feed it to you but you go 🙊. He's confused, was there something wrong with the stake?

"What's wrong my love?" he asks a bit worried.

You sigh and fiddle with your fingers. "Shoto I'm really sorry for not telling you but...I'm vegetarian." you say not looking at him. You feel really bad that the stake he made is going to waste.

"Oh. You're vegetarian."

"Yeah."

"That means you don't eat meat right?"

"Yes."

"So what do you eat?"

Boy. You eat everything but meat lol 😭. Its ok baby was just too sheltered. You explain to him and when you're done he gets up and takes the two plates of stake away. You protest he can still eat his but he insists its ok. He wants to enjoy his cooking together.

So that night you guys made some delicious Soba Noodle Salad and enjoyed it together.

Kaminari

~ He's all cool with it. It doesn't matter to him

~He does forget a lot though.

~Like when he offers you some of his pepperoni pizza and then 10 seconds later, he's like "*Gaps* Sparks I'm so sorry I forgot!" 😭

Ever since you two began dating you guys have been hanging out together 24/7. (He's clingy as hell that's why) You guys study together, train together, and eat lunch together.

You have told him you're vegetarian, you have, but he's so goofy he forgets a lot. Its lunch time and you and him walk to the cafeteria together. You guys order your guys food and go sit at a table.

Listen, normally it would be Kaminari who would enjoy his non-vegetarian food. UA doesn't have that many vegetarian options so you would be the one watching him eat all like "Mm mm mm! 😋Sparks this is amazing try some... Wait... OMG I'm so sorry I forgot!" You're never bothered though as long as he eats something and is happy, you don't mind it.

Today though was the complete opposite though. There were some bomb vegetarian options and few meat options. So finally, you were going to enjoy something good! You're eating away and because it's been a long time since you were able to enjoy the school's food you were like, "MMMM! This is so good!!" and then you see Kaminari looking at you like😐.

"I'm sorry" you say a bit embarrassed.

He laughs and says "Aww, hey its ok. You never get to enjoy anything when we eat so go ahead" and smiles at you. You smile back and take some of your pasta and feed it to him. He eats it and says, "Holy shit this is good!" You both laughed and had a good lunch.

Kirishima

~ He respects and supports you being vegan.

~ No like actually hats off to you, he doesn't know how you do it.

~ He's the cutest carnivore there is so when he accepted the challenge of being vegan for a week he almost died.

He comes back from the gym, and he does not feel good. He felt like he was lacking in the gym recently and he thinks it's because he hasn't eaten meat. He's gets even more disappointed when he remembers he can't drink his protein milk! Fuck he felt like his world has stopped. Even though it's only been 5 hours.

You come out to greet him.

"Hi Kiri!" you say as you hug him.

"Hey baby" he says hugging you back.

You look up at him "Kiri I made lunch. Its vegan nuggets do you want some?" WTF vegan nuggets! Yes, the closest thing to meat ofc! He felt like he was saved, you guys go to the kitchen and sit down to eat. When he bites into his nugget he is met with disappointment. He tries not to show it though because he doesn't want to disappoint you, but you noticed immediately. "Kiri, are you ok?"

He tries to reassure you that he's fine but you don't let it go, so he gives in. He sighs "Baby, I'm sorry but these vegan nuggets are not it" he says pouting a bit. He really wanted to enjoy eating this with you but it's just not the same as meat. You giggle and tell him "Its ok. You can eat meat if you want. I don't care if you quit the challenge." Kiri looks at you. No, he's not going to quit the challenge he wants to make you proud. So, he goes on with the challenge.

The whole week was so stressful. Learning to read the ingredients to a snack and being disappointed he saw it contained dairy products was super annoying. He would drink his protein with water which he absolutely despised, but it was all good when you told him he can drink it with soy/oat milk. The memes he saw of people hating on vegans didn't help. Especially when the guys would eat meat in front of him and be so disrespectful about it 😭.

Then the week was over. You couldn't have been prouder of him. The moment he was free he ate all the burgers he wanted. As he should. Don't worry though, he gave you all his fries so both of you had a yummy meal.

[ofc-vi-writes-too]

a continuation of things that i think happen in my favorite fucked up silly little city (gotham)

• In hosptials in Gotham there’s another wing dedicated to super villain attacks Like how theres the ED, NICU, L&D, ICU, etc., theres another branch called Excessive Villain Attack Department (for) Emergencies. Also known as EVADE for short. it’s a brag to say you work in EVADE for doctors/nurses because A. the pay is ridiculously good, and B. how much extra stuff you had to learn to work there. People who work in EVADE have to go through weekly psych evaluations as well as physical testing to make sure they are still fit for duty.

• there are EVADE pop ups all around gotham so it’s citizens ares never more than 5 minutes away from medical attention. You have to work at a pop up before you’re allowed to work in EVADE in a real hosptial. People say working the pop ups is a lot harder and a lot nore stressfull, because people can come to you in really any condition out there.

• Similar to how kids in some areas cant wear certain colors like red or blue to school because of gang affiliation, gothamite students cannot wear anything superhero, vigilante or villain adjacent. No birds, bats, clowns, etc. Its a way for schools to try and stop kids from being targetted by their peers/ crazy adults who will attack them for supporting a specific person or party. Hero or otherwise.

• A lot of mom and pop diners/townie bars have foods named after vigilantes and specialty drinks named after villains. Some examples are:

Red Hoods Hot Chicken and Mac: bufallo mac and chicken with house hot sauce, so hot and tasty it will bring tears to your eyes! (this is true. jason tried it and he literally couldn’t feel his face. He couldn’t tell if he was blinking or not. Dick swears up and down he wasn’t.)

Nightwings: boneless chicken wings with a honey barbecue dry rub, with bleu cheese dipping sauce and chips and a blue corn dip. Dick can and will order 4 and eat them all by himself in one sitting.

Robins Eggs Breakfast combo: 2 sunny side up eggs, strawberry french toast, vegetarian sausage, house salad and an OJ. They tried to make it vegan but no one in Gotham wants breakfast without eggs. Robin said he appreciates the thought anyway. He is very smug and protective of his meal and the restaurant that made it. When he has the day shft he stops by there for breakfast, which isn’t often but still.

Signal soup: a classic squash soup, house focaccia and a garden salad. Its a seasonal meal that comes around every fall, and sells out almost every day for the entire season.

The Scarecrow: literally a long island iced tea with black liqueur in a martini glass with 3 olives. It tastes fucking horrible but will get you beyond hammered

Poison Ivy: shot of pochteca lime liqueur and pink whitney. Very tasty.

Regulator: its a blue margarita with coconut milk in it. Its a little sweet but its yummy. It’s common to black out on these because you cant taste the alch and by the time it hits you its too late and its the next morning and your naked in a strangers bed. Darn those regulators for a night you wont remember! at least the guy is handsome…

• See also the Condiment King challenge: A pint size glass of equal parts ketchup, mustard, pickle relish, mayonnaise, hot sauce, soy sauce, honey mustard, sweet and sour, bbq, salsa, fish sauce, vinegar, ranch, and wasabi. Hell in a cup! If you can drink it within 10 minutes without throwing up, you eat free at the dinner for a month and you get a t shirt that says “I completed the Condiment King challenge at Jimbo’s Dinner!” With a poorly drawn picture of condiment king on it. There has only been one winner: Timothy Drake. Jason dared him to try it after he hadnt slept in 3 days. Tim didnt puke, but Jason did. There were threats of violence if Tim ever told anyone that. Tim didn’t believe him, told Dick and magically ended up with a broken finger. “No AlfredI have NOOOOOO idea how it happened! Must’ve had a bad fall on patrol :3”

• taxes in gotham are shit-your-pants-when-you-see-it-the-first-time high. Gotham has to be able to pay for all the damages somehow, despite Bruce Wayne paying for about 15% of those damages out of pocket, its still not enough to stop prices from skyrocketing. To try and combat this, there is a Gala held anually for the top 10% of Gotham to fundraise for emergency city repairs. It helps a lot but doesn’t solve the problem.

[xpao-bearx]

"Like A Virgin"

Steven Grant x Fem!Reader/Jake Lockley x Fem!Reader/Marc Spector x Fem!Reader

Read Part 1 HERE

Read Part 2 HERE

Read Part 4 HERE

NOTES: The fact that the idea for this part was already causing me such INTENSE brainrot way before I even finished writing Part 2 (which is pretty funny cuz I actually had a TOTALLY different idea compared to how this part is now, but hey my stoopid brain does what it does) 👁👄👁 Anyhoe, I am SO stoked for this (it also turned out quite long)!! It's finally got ✨️smut✨️ which I know my fellow sluts have been waiting for, BUT it's not the actual sexy sex yet cuz I'm saving that for the last part. Don't worry, it'll definitely be worth it~ ;)

BTW there's a part in this where Steven recites French poetry by Marceline Desbordes-Valmore and I used Google Translate for the English, so if the translation is off then I'm very sorry!

And I just wanna thank y'all sooo much again from the bottom of mah lil black heart, like SERIOUSLY! You lovelies are truly spoiling me with all your sweet comments, likes, and reblogs 😭❤️❤️❤️ And I swear that after the unexpectedly huge success of this fic, it made me fall RIDICULOUSLY HARDER for Oscar ISNACC and I have y'all to blame for dragging me even deeper into DILF Hell Heaven. Like, it's actually a problem when I suddenly feel like giggling and kicking my feet while I'm suffering at work just at the thought of him 😂

I also haven't been this confident and motivated in a while, and this is one of the VERY rare times I'm actually updating pretty quickly without the temptation of slacking off and abandoning it. I love writing and this fic is my baby, and it's just so fucking incredible that you guys are loving what I'm putting out, too, so once more: THANK YOU 🥰

Who knows, maaaybe more Moon Knight fics will come out in the future from me and fingers crossed that Moon Knight Season 2 will be confirmed 🤭

And the tag list has been updated! I also included some readers who I thought wanted to follow this whole series, so if you find yourself tagged despite not asking to be then that's why LMAO xD As always, the tag list is open so don't be shy to ask if you'd like to be added on it! ^_^

TAGS: @autismsupermusicalassassin @ungracefularchimedes @pimosworld @ababynova @sweatyroadcowboyjudge @anapnovo-blog @am-3-thyst @harrys-tittie @zukoisbabee @wiltedwonderland @the-ginger-draws @bitchyglitterfox @readingfan @spidey-3 @minigirl87 @wandasupremacy @simba-will-live-on @wavychelle @thepowerthismanhasoverme @blackholegladiator @kittytiddywinks @literalfkinsimp

Part 3: Like a virgin, touched for the very first time

After the flurry of honesty and an insane whirlwind of emotions, you and Steven finally winded down. It was a bit awkward following that, but he asked (well, sputtered) if you'd like to stay. He immediately apologized, knowing that he was overstepping boundaries and he completely understands if you rejected such a mental idea.

But it was late, and there was absolutely no way he was going to let you go home alone especially with the state you're in. And also...

Well, call him a selfish knob, but he just wanted--needed--to be with you.

But you agreed to stay--enthusiastically so. You both were flustered, though sharing a laugh together had all the tension fade away.

Because, truly, you were right where you were supposed to be.

♡•••🌙•••♡

Steven prepared dinner for the two of you, consisting of five-minute vegan mac and cheese courtesy of his microwave then indulging yourselves with the box of chocolates he brought at the failed date for dessert. It wasn't "grand" by any means, but it was the best you ate in a long time.

All thanks to the cute host... Actually, your gorgeous boyfriend.

Just the thought had you grinning like a doofus, the butterflies in your belly now transforming into fucking birds.

Did that make sense? Hell no, but being with Steven absolutely did.

"Love..." Steven's strong arms encircled around your waist from behind, nuzzling into the crook of your neck. "Make yourself comfortable, yeah? Don't worry, I'll sleep on the couch."

You gasped, affronted, quickly whipping around to face him. "Excuse you, sir, but I have every reason to be worried!" You huffed dramatically. "You are definitely not sleeping on the couch, Steven. And if you still insist that you are, then I'll just join you!"

Steven chuckled, his cheeks glowing pink. He rested his chin atop your head, pulling you closer to him. "The couch is too small for the two of us... So for a good night's sleep, I suppose I have no choice but to share the bed with you, yeah?"

"You say that as if you'd rather not." You pouted playfully, wrapping your arms around him and laying your head against his chest. You can faintly hear the erratic thrum of his heartbeat, matching your own.

"I'm just pulling your leg, sweetheart." He teased, kissing your head.

How the fuck did he ever get so lucky? He thought he was going crazy, that this was all just a dream--but it wasn't. Dreams were never this good. You were right here, right now, in his arms. Wholly accepting him for who he is. Loving him.

And he fucking loved you, too.

"Where's the bathroom, baby?"

Baby. The name made his heart stop for a full second. Heat once again crept up to his cheeks and all the way to the tips of his ears, his voice not coming out as all he could do was just point towards the bathroom as he stared down at you in a completely lovestruck sort of wonder.

You giggled, blushing as well before leaning up on your tiptoes and pecking his nose. "You go relax, Steven. I'll join you soon."

He watched you saunter off, still glued in place and a hand atop his frenzied heart.

He had no idea how in the world he was supposed to relax, especially now that the situation fully hit him like a freight train. But thankfully, he found his legs moving for him and his body taking the liberty of changing into his cozy pyjamas before climbing onto bed.

He put on his ankle restraint and settled down, covering the blanket over him like some posh Victorian duchess as he laid completely stiff. He didn't know how long he stayed like that, lifting his head and squinting every so often at the closed bathroom and your obscure shadow dancing amidst the light peeking through the tiny crack of the door underneath.

And it was so...quiet. Neither Marc nor Jake has uttered a single peep, which was highly unusual. Either one or both of them always had something to say, regardless of whatever Steven was doing and he was the same whenever they were fronting.

But as of the moment, he couldn't even handle speaking with Marc. Not after what he did. Marc and Jake were his family and there was no doubt that he and Marc will eventually make up, but no one was ever allowed to hurt you--especially now that you two were officially together.

Jake, on the other hand... Well, he was known to butt into Steven's business. But Jake always gave him a good push, and he would never actually force Steven to do something if Jake didn't believe he could do it. Truly, Steven owed Jake for technically setting you and him up.

But besides Marc, Steven was more surprised that Jake wasn't yapping away especially when you were involved. It didn't go unnoticed for Steven the way Jake has...changed. Only when you were around, at least. And despite Jake being the stealthiest of them all, Steven could always feel him silently observing you at work deep within the recesses of his mind.

But Steven never said anything. He just understood--accepted--Jake, and he was sure that Jake knew. But Steven didn't mind it; in fact, it made him feel less alone.

After all, how could anyone ever resist you?

He then sighed deeply, shaking his head. Clearly it was no use just laying in his bed like a corpse, so he sat up and threw the blanket off before grabbing a random book from his bedside table and donned his glasses. But his brain was too muddled, heart still not ceasing its turbulent thump as he couldn't even register the words popping out of the worn pages he has read a thousand times.

"So you wear glasses, too, huh?"

He flinched slightly at your voice, seeing you standing at the foot of his bed. You chuckled softly before your eyes landed on his ankle restraint, raising a brow.

"S-Sorry, it's..." He scrambled for something--anything. "I...I know it's a huge red flag, but I have a...sleeping disorder. I promise it ain't for something, um...sexual."

"No need to make excuses, Steven. I don't think it's a red flag."

'And I wouldn't mind if you used it on ME.' You bit back the risqué words that nearly tumbled out your foolish, needy mouth.

Steven only smiled shyly, putting the book away before he gasped when he suddenly felt something plop down on his lap.

Something soft, warm, and lovely.

"Is...is this okay..?" Now it was your turn to be shy, meeting his gaze tentatively.

"More than okay." He breathed, staring up at you with an awed grin. "Gods, Y/N, you're beautiful."

"Thanks, this is my 'I wonder how I didn't pass out from running the most I never thought I could' look." You laughed. But Steven didn't, guilt clouding his features.

He placed his hands on your hips, brows knitting together and jaw squaring. "I really am sorry, Y/N. You didn't have to do that, didn't have to meet me. I would've hated it, but I would've totally understood if you never wanted to see me again. And yet...I was happy when you did come."

"I'm happy, too, Steven." You assured him, one hand on his shoulder while the other combed through his fluffy curls. "And honestly, I would do it again. If you were in, hell, Egypt--I'd still find a way to you, no matter what."

His expression softened, a smile replacing his frown as he leaned forward and laid his head on your chest. "Please do one favour for me, though?" You kept quiet, patiently awaiting his words. "If you ever meet Marc, punch the prick."

"Baby, I can only slap him! No way I'd ever damage your godsent face." You laughed again, little snorts wracking your body that Steven found so damn endearing. Then he looked up, his chin resting in between the pillowy softness of your breasts.

"Love... Call me that again."

"Baby." You obeyed with zero hesitation, and Steven groaned. A deep, rumbly sound that sent tingles all throughout your body. You lightly tugged on his hair, making his head tip back and gaze locking with his pretty brown eyes that have gotten darker, pupils dilated.

"Baby..." Your voice came out as a pathetic whine, your hand on his shoulder holding on for dear life. "Wanna kiss you."

Like a predator pouncing on its prey, Steven swooped up to catch your lips--only for the both of your glasses to bump into each other.

An awkward beat passed between the two of you before you both exploded into riotous laughter. The two of you fell side by side on the bed, giggling so much that tears sprang to your eyes and your stomachs hurt.

Once you two finally calmed down, you exchanged bright smiles and Steven rolled on top of you. His elbows dug into the bed on either side of you, making sure not to bear down his weight on you. He then took off both of your glasses, setting them aside on the bedside table.

"Shall we try again, love?" But Steven didn't wait for your response, crashing his lips with yours.

It was chaste. Feather light. So much better than what you ever imagined it to be like. Steven's lips were unexpectedly soft, but there was a certain firmness in the way he kissed you. Your eyes fluttered shut, slowly wrapping your arms around his neck and pulling him in closer to deepen the kiss.

Steven cradled the side of your face gently, lovingly, as if he was handling glass. Then, experimentally, you nipped on his bottom lip. He gasped sharply, and you slid your tongue inside his mouth.

It was obvious how inexperienced you were, but Steven certainly didn't mind. In fact, it only turned him on even more that you wanted to spend your precious first time with him.

And he was definitely never letting you go.

You moved your tongue uncertainly, small panic brewing inside of you if you were doing it right. All those shows and movies made kissing look so easy; but you were soon snapped out of your thoughts as Steven's tongue tangled with yours, taking the lead as he coaxed you into a lazy, sensual dance.

And that drew a long, beautiful moan out of you. Steven craved more, more, more--wanting to push you to the very limit, a lustful, greedy beast suddenly possessing his body.

But oh, he knew, deep down, that beast has always been there; waiting for the right moment to be released.

Waiting for you.

He then slowly pulled away, a thin string of saliva connecting your tongues. Your entire body was flushed, lips puffy and eyes hazy with anguished yearning as you stared up at him. Your hands reached out, clinging on tightly to his black sweatshirt. Despite being on the bed, you felt as if you were free falling into a bottomless pit.

And you wanted to fall--with Steven.

"Steven..." You murmured, one leg wrapping around his waist. "Are you gonna make love to me?"

"No." His reply was instant, levelling his gaze with yours. "I will, but not tonight, darling. I don't have any condoms."

"I...I don't mind..."

A low purr reverberated from his throat. Fuck, were you even aware of what you were saying? Of the sweet, tempting danger it entailed?

He might as well just tie you up, keep you in his apartment forever. With him. ONLY him.

He shook his head, quickly stamping down such dark, possessive thoughts.

"Love." He emphasized through clenched teeth, and you saw the way his inner conflict flickered in his eyes. "Not tonight, Y/N. But that doesn't mean I can't still please you, yeah?"

He pulled your leg off of his waist then pressed his lips to your ankle, electricity coursing directly to where you desired it most.

He never broke eye contact, his lips slowly trailing down the smooth expanse of your leg before pausing at your crotch. He chuckled deeply, ignoring it as he moved to your stomach.

You mewled desperately, wiggling slightly. "Baby." You pleaded, nearly breathless. "Please... Don't fuckin' tease me."

"M'sorry, pretty girl. Just let me worship you, yeah? You deserve it." He hummed, completely unbothered. "I deserve it."

He pushed up your tank top, your breasts spilling erotically and...fuck, was that a belly button piercing?

"First year of college. It was a completely lucid decision." You giggled at his stunned expression. "Hurt like a bitch, but I've always wanted one."

"Looks like I'm not the only one with secrets, then." He chuckled, kissing your belly with utmost tenderness and your breath getting caught in your throat. His lips languidly traced upwards, reaching your breasts and burying his face in between them and inhaling deeply.

Now he understood why Jake wouldn't shut the hell up about the way you smelled after asking you out.

His left hand groped one of your breasts, breath stuttering at the wonderful plushness. Then he raised his head, eyes locking intently with yours once more as his tongue flicked your pert nipple. You whimpered for more, more, more--back arching as you eagerly offered yourself to him.

And he just as eagerly accepted your gracious offer, mouth latching on to your nipple. You moaned as he sucked and squeezed, his teeth grazing slightly against the sensitive bud, only magnifying the maddening sensations you had no control over yet had the privilege to be a willing victim to.

He pulled away with a resounding 'pop' before giving your other breast equal devoted attention, his right hand making its descent lower, lower, lower--slipping inside your shorts and his chest blazing at the dampness that greeted him.

"Bloody hell..." He grunted, erection straining painfully against his pyjama pants. He glanced down, his much larger hand cupping your entire pussy. "Wanna fucking taste you, angel. Can I? Please, love, I wanna taste your pretty pussy."

"Y-You don't even have to ask..." You squeaked, completely scarlet from head to toe. "Just take me, baby."

Steven grinned wolfishly, a gleam in his eyes that you've never seen before making your heart skip a beat. Without wasting another moment, he practically ripped your shorts off. He groaned as he saw the wet splotch in the middle of your panties, yanking them down your legs before bringing it up to his nose as a shiver ran down his spine at your intoxicating scent.

Your arousal was flowing down to your thighs, eyes glazed over as if in a trance as you watched Steven sniff your panties like a beast in heat. Then he shimmied out of his pants, your eyes widening as his cock stood proudly; thick and veiny, the tip an angry red and leaking with pre-cum. His fist, still clutching on to your panties, wrapped around his cock as he leaned down to meet your pussy.

Instinctively, you snapped your legs shut, hands flying to your face.

"I-I'm sorry!" You sobbed, briskly shaking your head. "I'm sorry, so sorry! I...I can't, Steven..."

You expected him to be furious, and honestly you'd understand if he was. What you didn't expect, however, was him gently removing your hands and tenderly kissing away your tears.

"Hey, hey, it's alright, love." He assured, his hands massaging soothing circles on yours. "What's the matter? You don't want to continue?"

"I-I do, it's just..." You sniffled, blinking away tears and meeting his concerned gaze. "I'm...I'm embarrassed, Steven. It's just... Y-You know it's my first time, and you're doing amazing, it's just...I'm scared I'm not. I...have no idea what the fuck to do, and I'm not even pretty."

"That's not true." His voice was firm, jaw ticking resolutely. His brows furrowed, expression the most serious you've ever seen it. "You're bloody gorgeous, Y/N. I'm the git who doesn't know what the hell you see in me. And don't fret about being inexperienced, love. I'm so happy that you wanna be with me, and if you'd allow me, I wanna spend the rest of my life proving it to you."

You stayed silent, then your lips curved up into a dazzling smile that had Steven utterly weak in the knees. What the hell were you so anxious about, anyway? This was Steven Grant, the man of your wildest dreams. The man you loved.

"I love you, Steven."

Steven froze, tears prickling his eyes. Something between a sob and a chuckle escaped him, positively beaming down at you.

"I love you, too, Y/N."

He then parted your legs, hands quivering slightly. "I love you..." He crouched down, pressing his lips to your inner thigh. "...so fucking much." His tongue darted out, licking the beautiful stretch marks that lined the supple skin of your thighs.

His tongue slowly wandered up, up, up, and you were scarcely breathing once his face was in front of your cunt. His hot breath fanned against your clit; dark, nearly black eyes fixed on yours.

"Quand je vivais tendre et craintive amante..." He recited in French, smiling up at you. "...avec ses feux je peignais ses douleurs."

When I was a tender and fearful lover, with her fires I painted her pains.

You had noticed earlier the French poetry books stacked on Steven's desk, but goddammit you didn't expect he would quote one while he was right in front of your pussy.

You were sure this absolutely sexy menace of a man was trying to murder you.

His thumb then brushed against your clit, making you gasp. He grinned widely, pushing down on your nub as you whimpered and squirmed helplessly.

"Baby..." You begged, tears pouring down your pretty pink cheeks, and there must be something severely wrong with Steven to find it so enticing. "Pretty please... Fuck me with your mouth."

And how could he ever say no to that? He was merely a loyal, desperate slave for his goddess' wishes. For her love.

And so, like a parched man in the desert, he buried his face in your sopping pussy. You yelped, eyes rolling to the back of your head at the sudden--but very much not unwelcomed--intrusion into your deepest, most intimate part.

Steven's groan of appreciation vibrated within your gummy walls, inching ever so deeper, feeling his nose hit a bundle of nerves. Then his tongue licked a long, slow stripe along your mound and up to your clit. You cried out, a broken, pornographic song that echoed throughout Steven's entire flat.

"Gods..." His voice was low, trembling; one hand yet again wrapping around his aching cock, the flimsy fabric of your panties hugging the tip. "You've no idea how much I dreamt of this, Y/N. Waited for this." His other hand settled on your pussy, deft fingers running along your drenched folds. "Such a good girl, tastes so fucking good."

He puckered his lips, kissing your pussy. And the sounds that accompanied were downright filthy, Steven moaning shamelessly, loud squelches and the heady smell of your sex filling the air.

Slowly, carefully, he thrusted a finger inside of you. You keened, your thighs squishing Steven's head and your hands gripping onto his hair. He then added another finger, scissoring his digits and you knew right then and there that you were losing what's barely left of your fucking mind.

You grinded against him, and he bobbed his head zealously in perfect tandem with you. His tongue lapped up and down, up and down, before suddenly driving it inside your hole.

He was rubbing his cock vigorously, watching you, burning this marvelous moment for all eternity into his memories. And as soon as a third finger slipped in, you were fucking gone.

You screamed, finally reaching that peak and falling over it, seeing stars. You gushed around his mouth, and Steven noisily slurped it all up, not daring to leave behind a single drop.

He soon followed, grunting animalistically as his cum sprayed all over your panties. He collapsed against your pussy, in between the heavenly plushness of your thighs, panting raggedly.

Neither of you knew how long you both stayed like that, coming down from your high, until you sliced through the serene silence.

"Wow... Just...wow."

Steven chuckled breathlessly, looking up at you with your wetness glistening on his lips and chin. "Wow, indeed." He then leaned forward, and you gasped as his lips suckled on the skin right next to your clit, claiming you with a dark purple mark.

"You'll be the fucking death of me, Steven Grant." You groaned playfully, pulling on his hair.

He grinned, crawling over your body before moulding your lips together in a passionate liplock. His tongue entwined with yours and you could taste yourself, your brain short circuiting.

He slowly drew away, gently knocking his forehead against yours as his grin grew impossibly bigger.

"I'll make love to you at the Field of Reeds, then."

[h1nx0]

TOPCOMMENT RTC

you guys don't understand how much I love them I want to put them into a blender and drink them. They would go on dates to like the dumbest fucking places every Mischa would bring her to a Applebee's and she'd be like "awh babe you remembered I like the Mac and cheese here" or some shit. she would hold him at gun point and make him watch whatever dumb fuck musical she likes ( I know its ironic cause they're like in a musical but she'd love them ) and at the end she'd be like "what did you think" and he'd be like "woah" and then she'd make him watch it AGAIN but this time pause it every couple of minutes and explain everything about that scene that in implyed that she has picked up on and figured out even if its like super obvious and he's just like "oh em gosh I didn't think of that" when oh em gosh he did think of that. Their the type of motherfuckers to be like "what if we tried going vegan together" and then two days later order a meat lovers pizza at 12am cause everything else was closed and "plain cheese is boring"

[swordshapedleaves]

I'm watching Gastronauts. There's no way this skinny blond guy can make vegan mac and cheese half as good as my vegan mac and cheese. How the fuck is a butternut squash gonna be "cheddary"

[emeraldspiral]

Episode where Zim is out in his kid disguise instead of one of his adult/old man disguises and someone takes notice of him trying to go somewhere he shouldn't. They come up and ask him "Young man, you know you're not supposed to be here without adult supervision. Where are you parents?" Frustrated that someone would dare disrupt his evil plans, Zim forgets his cover story and blurts out "I don't have parents!"

"Oh, I'm sorry. How long ago did you lose them?"

"Fool! I have never had parents."

"You mean you've been an orphan all your life? That's terrible!"

"It is not terrible! It's great! I have no need for guardianship or supervision."

"So there's no one looking after you?"

"Zim needs no one! Now rescind your pity human!"

"Oh no! It's so much worse than I thought. You poor brave boy. Don't worry, you won't have to be alone for much longer!"

And then the interloper calls child services, who forcibly place Zim in an orphanage. He can't take back anything he said about being an orphan before because neither he nor the Roboparents have social security numbers and their address and phone number aren't registered anywhere.

A couple quickly comes looking to adopt and they decide they want to take on the challenge of a "problem child" who's not likely to get adopted by anyone else. So they take Zim home with them for a trial adoption. Initially it seems like it's going to turn into something like Orphan where the nice family is oblivious to the danger Zim presents as he plans to make them into his latest test subjects. But just as Zim's about to implant some questionable device into one of the family members, something happens that freaks Zim out so much he loses his nerve.

He becomes increasingly anxious as the family members never give him a moment alone, following him from room to room constantly pestering him to ask if he's okay.

"Do you like this show? We could switch to a different channel."

"Is it too cold for you? We could turn the thermostat up."

"Would you like some hot cocoa? Some warm milk, perhaps? Soda?"

"Hey, we were thinking of Mac & Cheese for dinner tonight. But do you have any dietary concerns? Are you lactose intolerant? Gluten-free? Vegan? Diabetic?"

"Are you okay with the volume everyone is speaking at? We could speak softer if you want."

"OR LOUDER IF YOU'RE HAVING TROUBLE HEARING US!"

"Do you need a blanket?"

"We bought you some pajamas. But we can take them back if you don't like them."

"Do you want to talk about your feelings?"

"You know this is a safe place, right?"

"Don't be afraid to speak up if there's anything you need."

"Or if there's anything you want to talk about."

"We're always here to lend an ear."

Zim gets majorly creeped out and is convinced they're really human spies trying to get him to reveal himself and give away Irken military secrets.

He tries to get some privacy, but the only place where he can be alone is the bathroom. There's only one, and there are so many family members they have a schedule for who can use it when. But not to worry, they've already rearranged it to give him Thursdays at 3:30 and every other Saturday at 2:00am.

They send him to a new skool, which is much better than the one he went to before. It's clean, well funded with facilities in good repair, and best of all, there's no Dib around to harass him. But the staff at the new skool are far more professional than at the old skool and Zim's new teacher doesn't tolerate classroom disruptions, shocking Zim when he sends him to the principal's office within his first minute of class. At first Zim thinks it's a blessing in disguise because it means time away from his extremely clingy new foster siblings, but the one he shares a class with ends up getting sent to the office on purpose so he could stay by Zim's side. Zim does not appreciate the gesture of solidarity.

Zim comes home and his new foster parents tell him the principal called, but it's okay. They're not mad, they know it's going to take time for him to adjust. They also remind him that it's 3:30 and today is Thursday, which means it's finally his turn to use the bathroom.

He only has fifteen minutes, but he plans on escaping out the window. But it turns out the family have installed a state of the art security system to keep him from escaping. They aren't mad when he trips it though. They understand. Moving into a new home with a bunch of strangers can be scary, and he might think he wants to go back to the life he knew before because the familiarity of it is comforting, but they promise if he just gives them a chance they're sure they can make him happy.

Zim has no choice but to endure the two week trial adoption period. Initially, he figures if he acts like a little shit they won't want to adopt him and he'll get sent back to the orphanage from which he can make an escape. Halfway through however, he has a change of heart. He starts to enjoy regular kid activities like playing video games, family board game night, and riding bikes around the neighborhood, going to skool and learning actually useful and interesting things and not being bullied, having someone come and pick him up when he falls and scrapes his knee and give him an Adhesive Medical Strip and a kiss to make it all better, and the unconditional love and endless patience and forgiveness he's afforded.

He starts to think maybe there's an advantage to the arrangement. He can learn so much more about humans from actually living like one, and surely that would be beneficial to his mission, wouldn't it?

At the end of the two week period, Zim is interviewed and asked if he would like to be permanently adopted. He says "yes", only to be told "That's too bad. It looks like they've decided not to move forward with the adoption." Zim is shocked and dismayed.

"How could they not want Zim?!"

The only answer he gets is that the family "didn't feel like it was the right fit", which leaves Zim perplexed, ruminating over whatever he did wrong to make them not love him.

The episode then ends with the Roboparents coming to the adoption agency to look for a new son. Zim tries to get their attention, but they pass him over for a different prospective child and jet off without him.

[peachybutch]

How Good the RvB Main Cast is at Cooking, Ranked from Best to Worst

1. Donut

Donut gives off the vibe of one of those gay men with a baking channel on YouTube. This man's out here rolling up to the red team monthly dinner club with frenched rack of lamb with a pistachio mint crust and wine accompaniment, then earl grey souffle with creme anglaise for dessert. He spends hours experimenting with new and interesting ingredients. Remy Ratatouille, send-you-back-to-rural-France ass man. Donut's food fucks hard and everyone knows it.

2. Grif

You really think my man Grif loves food as much as he does and doesn't know how to make it? C'mon. He doesn't, like, relish the act of cooking as much as he does having a good plate of food at the end of it. And he's not typically much for sharing. But my guy makes a damn good short rib and bechamel lasagna. Give him the day to let something slow cook, and god damn.

3. Wash

Wash has been living off of MREs for probably his entire adult life, but I feel like he's got a few dishes he can whip out for a date night, or if he's feeling fancy. He knows how to read a recipe, and he has a pretty good idea of what flavors go together to make something good. He probably has a really nice papardelle with vinho verde sauce that he has sitting around in the back of his head for special occasions.

4. Tucker

Okay, Tucker isn't a bad cook by any means, ok? He's great with breakfast food specifically. It's just that he isn't especially fancy about it. He was probably, like, a line cook at Denny's in high school, so all his food tastes like food you would get at Denny's. Which isn't a bad thing! You would just never call Denny's "fine dining". He has his niche, and he does it well, and he never feels even a little bit inclined to do anything different or better.

5. Church (Alpha)

Church isn't much of a foodie right off the bat, but someone's got to pack Caboose's lunch, and he ends up learning how to cook fairly well after that. After a certain point, he figures out how to make things from scratch--mostly things like chicken nuggets, mac and cheese, pancakes.

6. Simmons

I feel like Simmons mostly lives off of shit like green smoothies and homemade granola. Like, hardcore, low carb, vegan, all organic, high protein diet. And, like, it doesn't taste BAD. But it definitely isn't the kind of thing you bring to the red team dinner club. He does make a really nice sunbutter brownie that he has to hide from Grif.

7. Caboose

Caboose has been banned from using any objects in the kitchen that involve a heat source--which isn't HIS fault! How was he supposed to know that you're supposed to take the spoon OUT of the mac and cheese before putting it in the microwave? That's just a recipe for a cold spoon! Anyways, he manages just fine without the microwave, thank you very much. He can make ants on a log like it's nobody's business. Cleaning up afterwards is another matter entirely.

8. Carolina

Carolina is one of the most competent individuals you will ever meet. She could kill you in under a minute, in 30 different ways, and that's just with her bare hands. The fourth time Sarge tries to recruit her into red team is by inviting her to the monthly dinner club. She shows up empty handed, and when Donut very politely asks what she brought, she replies that it's very interesting that they expected the only woman on the team to go all out with cooking. They move on. Carolina spent 5 hours in the kitchen this afternoon trying to figure out how to use the oven. But they don't need to know that.

9. Tex

Now, listen. Tex can't be called a bad cook, precisely, because that would require she cook for herself or others. Which is something she does not do. That's what Church is for, isn't it?

10. Sarge

Sarge refuses to step foot in a kitchen after the fifth shouting match about how flamethrowers are not a universally recognized kitchen appliance.

11. Church (Epsilon)

One time, while blue team is shooting the wind, Caboose asks Epsilon what his favorite breakfast food is. Instead of calling Caboose a dumbass, as per usual, he instead goes into extensive detail about how he eats computer keys like cereal. Caboose tries it. It isn't very good.

[p0ssywhippedcream]

Spencer Reid would be so bad at food. Bro does not know when things expire, bro ignores labels, bro is probably lactose intolerant and consumes cheese by the bricks.

And his cooking? He knows box noodles and mac and THATS IT. baby struggles even with that.

“It says add milk.”

“Then add milk.”

“How much milk?”

“I dunno baby just add some milk.”

*dumps half the carton*

“I don’t think we have enough cheese for that baby.”

“oh.”

The one thing my man is good at with food besides listing off side effects of ingredients is eggs. Only sunny side up tho, you ask him for over easy and you get a plate full of burnt.

And Spence loves you so so dearly and there’s times you’re sitting in bed in the morning looking hungry and tired and he just needs to feed his love but doesn’t want them to get out of bed.

He makes his way to the kitchen, cooks you up some eggs and brings them on up. You love the eggs he makes for you, you eat them with a smile every time. This is the best version of breakfast in bed you’ll get with him and honestly, it doesn’t bother you. As long as Spence is there.

Or, if you’re vegetarian/vegan, baby’s superpower is avocados. don’t ask me, idk the gods told me but he is so fucking good with avocados????

like for no reason too, bro can turn that green vege into a fucking masterpiece. He’s got it all cut up pretty on the plate, thin slices in a circle with tomatos on top.

He always has them in his kitchen, for a little snack maybe or maybe bc it’s the only thing he can do in the mornings without the smoke alarm going off. (trust me, babe has burnt cereal)

He gets really good with avocados too, like he varies their width, their size and shape and he makes little faces on the plates. It makes his whole day to see your face light up when he hands you a sun with a smiley face in avocado slices.

[rayleearts]

I don't know if this has been asked but how good are all realta at cooking?

Elowen: mastered the basics and will tweak recipes and technique until they’re perfect, but isn’t familiar with a lot of ingredients and newfangled electric stoves. Doesn’t know how (or want) to cook meat

Amelia: An excellent baker and a good cook. Learned from her biological father who was a baker. Cooked a lot for Ikah as a kid as thanks for taking her in

Fletcher: can make Mac and cheese

Milo: often burns his cooking and gets frustrated with baking, but he’s stubborn enough to get it right eventually (you might have to wait 3 hours for food)

Kasi: measures with her heart, cannot follow written directions. Is good at the recipes from her home that she’s memorized

Ava: somehow makes food bland but really spicy. She tries to forage ingredients when possible and cooks vegan. Fletch, Milo, or Kasi often went to the city to get take-out

Oryn: thinks he’s great but is lowkey average. His gf plays it up to boost his confidence

Eden: cooks with love and you can tell. It won’t be healthy but it’ll be damn good

Rune: finds cooking annoying. Once she makes a recipe, she uses magic to replicate the steps for her

[heymacy]

hello pals! it's time for a (very late) weekly tag game wednesday! (yes, it's still wednesday in chicago!) i was tagged by @energievie, @deedala, @palepinkgoat, @juliakayyy, & @jrooc - thanks pals!

about you

name: macy

age: thirty and flirty and surviving

star sign: cancer

your first language: english, the dumbest language

second language: i can take your coffee order in perfect spanish and i think that's my biggest accomplishment in the last few years

favorite lip product: aquaphor!

the best food dish you can make without a recipe: ........boxed mac and cheese

if you drink tea, what kind?: sleepytime tea, peppermint, and earl gray (depending on the time of day)

if you drink coffee, what roast do you usually get?: i drink cold brew which i think is technically a medium roast? ah shit, i'm totally getting fired

favorite thing to watch on youtube right now: i almost exclusively use YouTube for ASMR videos

favorite thing to watch on youtube in 2012: jenna marbles i miss you every fucking day

favorite item of clothing right now: a Whidbey Island, WA sweatshirt that i magically found at a thrift store here in Chicago! the world is so small and i miss home!

favorite item of clothing in 2012: my VS PINK leggings, the kind with the thick ass waistband, y'all remember those? mine were black and baby pink

fandom

three movies you recommend: i'll give y'all my letterboxd top four: Some Like It Hot, Portrait of a Lady on Fire, Pride and Prejudice (2005) and Moonrise Kingdom

your favorite concert: CHAPPELL ROAN!

have you ever unfollowed someone over a fandom opinion? unfollowed? babygirl this is a blocking household

have you ever left a fandom because of the fans? not because of the fans, no. i keep my circles pretty tight and use the block button liberally. i only leave when the fixation breaks and even then i still linger about like a specter of fandom's past

the best tv show you watched last year: suddenly i don't remember a single TV show i watched last year, YIKES. now if you'd said movie...[cracks knuckles] how much time y'all got?

do you have a fancasting you just can't let go of? none come to mind!

a ship you've abandoned: i do not abandon my children, i just sometimes-occasionally-infrequently-intermittently forget to pick them up from daycare, that's all

on a scale of 1-10 how willing are you to share your ao3 history? [sweeping gesture] look upon my archive and see that i am an open book

do you have a fandom tattoo? nope!

what fandom do you wish was bigger? talk to me about Anastasia (1997)

has a finale ever ruined a show for you? ruined? no. soiled a little bit, left a sour taste in my mouth, riddled me with disdain? sure, often!

have you...

swam in an ocean? many times!

been vegan/vegetarian? yes, both at different times in my life!

gone skinny dipping? yes!

gone skiing? yes!

been to a convention? yes!

i'm tagging @gardenerian, @7x10mickey, @mmmichyyy, @callivich, @captainjowl, @sleepyfacetoughguy, @arrowflier, @too-schoolforcool, @sickness-health-all-that-shit, @y0itsbri, @creepkinginc, @pomegran4te, @sxltburn, @thisdivorce, @vintagelacerosette, @crossmydna, @michellemisfit, & @transmickey ✨

[invisibleraven]

keeping a calendar for all their appointments in the kitchen for the GPP please?

At first there was only Alex, Luke, and Reggie, which made scheduling easy. They lived together, worked together at gigs, and dated each other, so dates were a given.

But then, Julie and Willie came along, increasing their polycule. With Julie came Flynn, who brought Carrie, who eventually brought in Kayla. Suddenly three became eight, and it became a lot harder to keep everything straight.

Julie was the one who declared they needed to have everything posted somewhere they could all see, and Flynn designed the calendar that took up almost the whole wall of the kitchen. Even colour coded it and made it easy to edit because with eight different people, plans tended to change.

Take today for example; Alex was trying to coordinate his own dentist appointment, Reggie's volunteer shift at the animal shelter, Carrie and Kayla doing choreo, Luke and Julie doing vocals, and the dates that Flynn and Willie had with different partners that evening.

"We need another car."

"We have three!" Julie stated. "And neither Flynn or Willie can-or allowed to- drive."

"I can bike to the shelter," Reggie offered.

"And we can drop Luke and Julie off on our way," Carrie offered.

"I need someone to drive me to the dentist," Alex explained. "I'm not supposed to drive after novocaine."

"Aren't you only getting a cleaning?" Kayla asked.

"Your point?"

"How about I drop you and Willie off, and he can make sure you guys get home via bus or Uber?" Reggie offered.

"Willie and Flynn are on chores duty today," Willie said remorsefully. "Which sucks because high Alex is hilarious."

"I'll bring you Alex," Julie stated. "We have the studio all day, and Luke had to get his vocals down first, an hour won't hurt me."

"Thanks Jules."

Flynn turned to Willie. "Rock paper scissors for laundry over dishes?"

"No way," Willie chuckled. "You cheat. Also I did the dishes last time it was our turn."

"Yeah but you also can't sort laundry for shit," Alex teased. "Case in point, all my now pink shirts."

"You like pink!"

"Yeah, but I don't need my whole wardrobe to be the same shade of Easter egg."

"Okay!" Carrie yelled, sick of their bickering. "Flynn sorts, WIllie dries the dishes. Divide and conquer right?"

"You're so smart babe," Flynn stated, kissing her sweetly.

"Save the compliments for our date tonight," Kayla teased. "Now, we gotta go, because Amber and Sienna have classes this afternoon."

"Later!" Luke called as they left, then grabbed his guitar case. "Okie dokie boss, let's hit the road. Lex you ready to go?"

"I just gotta brush my teeth," Alex replied.

"Don't forget to floss!" Reggie called after him. "It's my night to do supper, any suggestions?"

"Not pizza," Julie requested.

"Mac and cheese?" Luke asked.

"Carrie and WIllie are vegan this week and Lex can't do dairy, so I might have to do a few different batches, but sure," Reggie replied.

"Have fun with the puppies cariño," Julie said with a kiss. "DOn't bring one home."

"One day I'm gonna wear you down and say yes to pets," Reggie sighed.

"Maybe when we have millions and more room," Julie replied.

"If we ever have millions I'm getting a horse," Reggie stated.

"Oh god if you start singing your country song I'm gonna retch," Luke grumbled.

Reggie grinned, and then both he and Julie started singing Home Is Where My Horse Is, with Luke running out to the car, Alex coming down to find them giggling madly.

"I don't wanna know. I'm gonna go kick Luke out of the passenger seat."

They all said goodbye, leaving only Flynn and Willie left. She turned to him and grinned. "So... rock paper scissors for the dusting?"